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DIARY OF A YANKEE IN
TEXAS
April
30th:
Texas is
fantastic! Just got here and love
it
already. Now this is a state that knows how
to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings.
What a place! Watched the sunset
from a
park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful.
I've
finally found my home. I love it here.
May 14th:
Really
heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a
problem,
live in an air-conditioned home,
drive an
air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see
the sun every day like this. I'm turning
into a
real sun worshipper.
June 5th:
Had the
backyard landscaped today. Lots
of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.
No more
mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING
SNOW
EITHER! Another scorcher today, but
I love it
here.
July 1st:
The
temperature hasn't been below 90 all week,
not even
at night. Where are those ocean breezes
we heard
about, still seems hot. Getting used
to it
will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though.
I'll have
to remember not to leave anything made
out of
plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers,
Cheaper than the burn
ointment
for my hands. I always wondered what
burnt
flesh smelled like.
July
15th:
Fell
asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns
over 60%
of my body.)
Missed
two days of work, what a dumb thing
to do. I
learned my lesson though: got to respect
the ol'
sun in a climate like this.
July
20th:
I miss
our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car
when I
left this morning. By the time I got out
to the
hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
size of a
shopping bag and just as I opened the
door he
exploded all over $2,000 worth of
leather
upholstery. I told the kids he ran
away.
The car
now smells like Kibbles and poop.
No more
pets in this heat.
July
25th:
Ocean
breezes, my rear. Hot is hot!! The home
air
conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to
drive by and tell me he
needed to
order parts. Only hope for a break
in the
heat would be a hurricane.
July
30th:
Been
sleeping outside by the pool for three
nights
now. Swatting the mosquitoes that are
as big as
B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments
and we
can't even go inside. Why did I ever
come
here?
Aug 4th:
100
degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature
down to
about 90. The electric bill is almost as
much as
the house payment. And two redneck
drivers
almost ran me off the road.
I hate
this state.
Aug 8th:
If
another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his head off. Darn heat!
By the
time I get to work the radiator is
boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and
I smell
like roasted Garfield!!
Aug 10th:
The
weather report might as well be a darn
recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been
too hot two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might really warm
up
next
week. And who came up with the
statement
"it may be hot, but at least you
don't
have to shovel it" should die from heat
exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God
forsaken
place??
Aug 13th:
Welcome
to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102
today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew
the
windshield out of the Cadillac. The installer
came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?"
My wife
had to spend the $1,500 house
payment
to bail me out of jail.
Aug 14th:
Worst day
of the summer. I'm not leaving the
house.
The rains finally came and all they did
is to
make it muggier than Hades and drove the darned roaches out of the
ground. I wasn't aware
they
could fly! The Cadillac is now floating some-
where in
the Gulf with its new $500 windshield.
That does
it, we're moving back to New York
where all
you have to worry about is getting
mugged.
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