I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS EVE
ABOUT 11:55 PM TO THE SOUND OF BELLS OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW. I
OPENED MY EYES AND SAT UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BED. I HAD LONG AGO
STOPPED BELIEVING IN SANTA. WHAT IN SAM HILL WAS THAT! MY WIFE,
JOHNNIE, WAS DEEP INTO SLEEP AND HER SNORING WAS ENOUGH TO WAKEN ME.
BUT NO THERE IT WAS AGAIN - BELLS.
MY DOG BUCK GOT UP FROM HIS SPOT ON THE FLOOR AT THE END OF THE
BED AND MOSEYED OVER TO MY FEET. "GOOD GRIEF WHAT IS THAT BUCK?"
BUCK WAGGED HIS TAIL AND SAT DOWN ON ONE OF MY FEET AS IF TO SAY,
DON'T KNOW, YOU GO SEE!
THERE IT WAS AGAIN! I PULL MY FOOT OUT FROM UNDER THE LAZY DOG
AND WENT TO THE WINDOW. BUCK GOT UP AND SLOWLY FOLLOWED BEHIND ME.
JOHNNIE ROUSED A BIT, "WHAT'S WRONG LOREN?" SHE TURNED OVER AND WAS
GONE AGAIN BEFORE I COULD ANSWER.
"JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE."
I PULLED BACK THE CURTAINS
BUT COULDN'T SEE A BLAME THING IN THE PITCH BLACKNESS.
"I CAN'T SEE A THING, BUCK. THINK I'LL PUT MY PANTS AND BOOTS ON
AND GO OUT AND HAVE A LOOK AROUND. COME ON BOY YOU’
RE
COMING WITH ME." AS I WHEN OUT THE BACK DOOR I REACHED OVER AND GOT
MY OLD WORK JACKET OFF THE HOOK ON THE WALL.
"JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE." "THERE'S THAT SOUND AGAIN BUCK. WHERE'S
IT COMING FROM?" THE SKY WAS CLOUDY AND EVEN THE STARLIGHT WAS DIM.
I WALKED AROUND THE CORNER OF THE HOUSE. I THOUGHT I WOULD GO TO THE
FRONT YARD AND SEE IF I COULD SEE ANYTHING. "COME ON BUCK." WHEN ME
AND BUCK GOT TO THE FRONT YARD, BUCK RAN OUT TO THE FRONT GATE AND
STARTED TO GROWL. THE HAIR ON HIS BACK WAS STANDING UP AND HE WAS
ACTING LIKE HE WAS SEEING OR SMELLED SOMETHING.
JUST THEN "JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE" I HEARD THE SOUND OF BELLS
AGAIN. IT SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS COMING FROM THE DIRT ROAD THAT RAN IN
FRONT OF MY HOUSE. NOW THE HAIR ON THE BACK OF MY NECK WAS STANDING
UP. "BUCK, STAY." I COMMANDED. I NEEDED BUCK TO BE QUITE SO I COULD
HEAR.
JUST THEN THERE WAS A BREAK IN THE CLOUDS. IN THE STARLIGHT I
COULD SEE A WHITE MULE COMING DOWN THE ROAD. THE MULE WAS PULLING A
WAGON AND ITS COLLAR AND REINS WERE COVERED WITH LITTLE BELLS THAT
WERE GOING "JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE."
LOW AND BEHOLD THERE WAS SOMEONE SITTING IN THE WAGON DRESSED IN
A RED SUIT.
"HEY, BUCK WHO CAN THAT BE ALL DRESSED UP LIKE THAT OLD GUY THEY
CALL SAINT NICK?"
"WOOF, WOOF," BUCK THREW IN HIS TWO CENTS.
BUT JUST AS IT WAS NEARING, LIKE MAGIC, IT DISAPPEARED, LEAVING
ME AND BUCK IN AWE OF THE WHOLE MYSTERY OF IT ALL. THE BELL SOUNDS,
TOO CEASED.
"WELL, OLD BUDDY; I NEVER DID BELIEVE IN SANTA ANYWAY. LET'S GO
BACK TO BED."
SO ME AND BUCK TURNED AROUND AND HEADED FOR THE HOUSE.
BUCK STARTED BARKING AND TOOK OFF RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE FOR
THE BACK YARD. JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF. "WHAT IN
THE SAM HILL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?" I STARTED WALKING AROUND THE
HOUSE TO THE BACK YARD. WHEN I GOT WHERE I COULD SEE INTO THE BACK
YARD, I SAW BUCK STANDING AT THE BACK FENCE BARKING. "WHAT'S THE
MATTER BOY, I DON'T SEE ANYTHING OUT THERE?"
JUST THEN JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE, FROM IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF WENT BUCK AS HE RACED ON AROUND THE HOUSE AND INTO
THE FRONT YARD AGAIN. NOW I'M REALLY BEGINNING TO GET SPOOKED, I
FOLLOWED BUCK ON AROUND THE HOUSE AND INTO THE FRONT YARD AGAIN.
BUCK WAS STANDING AT THE FRONT GATE BARKING LIKE MAD.
AS I REACHED THE FRONT GATE I SAW A TENNESSEE TROTTING HORSE
PULLING A ONE-HORSE SURREY UP THE ROAD. THE HARNESS AND REINS WERE
COVERED WITH LITTLE BELLS.
JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE.
WOOF, WOOF,
WOOF.
JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE.
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AND WHO SHOULD BE RIDING IN THE SURREY BUT THAT SAME GUY IN THE
RED SUIT. HE HAD A LONG WHITE BEARD. "STAY BUCK" I SHOUTED. I DON’
T
BELIEVE THIS. EITHER I'M GOING CRAZY OR I'M DREAMING.
JUST THEN JOHNNIE THREW UP THE BED ROOM WINDOW AND YELLED "WHAT
THE HECK IS GOING ON OUT THERE?" "WHAT'S ALL THAT NOISE?" I TURNED
AROUND TO POINT AT THE HORSE AND SURREY BUT THEY WERE GONE. JOHNNIE
YELLED FOR ME TO GET MY TAIL INTO THE HOUSE AND SHUT THAT DOG UP.
BEFORE I COULD ANSWER JOHNNIE HAD SLAMMED THE WINDOW SHUT AND WAS
GONE.
"COME ON BUCK LET'S GO BACK TO BED." ME AND BUCK WENT BACK INTO
THE HOUSE. I GOT UNDRESSED AND CRAWLED INTO BED WITH JOHNNIE. SHE
WAS ALREADY BACK TO SLEEP AND WAS LIGHTLY SNORING. BUCK LAY DOWN ON
THE FLOOR AT THE FOOT OF THE BED IN HIS ACCUSTOMED PLACE.
THEN, JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE. I PULLED THE COVERS UP OVER MY HEAD
AS IF TO HIDE. BUCK CRAWLED UNDER THE BED AND STARTED WHINING.
JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE.
BUT THE NOISE WOULDN'T STOP, JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE; IT KEPT ON
UNTIL I SAT UP ON THE SIDE OF THE BED AGAIN.
"CAN'T A FELLOW GET A DECENT NIGHTS SLEEP AROUND THIS PLACE?"
BUCK COULD BE HEARD WHINING UNDER THE BED AS IF TO SAY, "I AIN'T
COMING OUT TILL DAY LIGHT!"
JOHNNIE WASN'T LETTING ANYTHING BOTHER HER. SHE ROLLED OVER AND
CONTINUED HER SNORING AS I WENT TO THE BACK DOOR AND GRABBED MY 22
RIFLE BEFORE GOING OUT THE BACK DOOR BAREFOOT IN MY LONG UNDERWEAR!
"I'M GOING TO SHOOT THE BACK SIDE OF WHOEVER IT IS OUT HERE
MAKING THAT NOISE," I SAID AS I POINTED THE GUN TOWARD THE BACK
FORTY!!!
BUCK WAS STILL UNDER THE BED WHINING LIKE SOME SICK PUPPY.
ABOUT THAT TIME JOHNNIE JUMPED OUT OF BED AND OPENED THE CLOSET
DOOR. SHE REACHED INTO THE CLOSET AND GRABBED MY DOUBLE BARREL
12-GAGE SHOTGUN. THEN SHE REACHED UP ON THE SHELF AND TOOK DOWN THE
BOX OF SHELLS. SHE LOADED BOTH BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN AND MARCHED TO
THE BACK DOOR.
JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE WENT THAT NOISE. SHE THREW OPEN THE DOOR
AND LOOKED OUT. SHE SAW SOMETHING WHITE OUT BY THE BACK FENCE. IN
THE DIM STARLIGHT SHE COULDN'T TELL WHAT IT WAS BUT THAT'S WHERE THE
SOUND WAS COMING FROM. SHE STUCK THE SHOTGUN OUT THE DOOR AND PULLED
BOTH TRIGGERS.
HEARING THE GUN GO OFF BUCK CAME CHARGING OUT OF THE BEDROOM AND
RAN OUT INTO THE YARD. HIS OLD INSTINCT OF A RETRIEVER HAD KICKED
IN. THAT WHITE THING LET OUT A BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM AND FELL OVER
ON THE GROUND. JOHNNIE SLAMMED THE DOOR CLOSED AND RAN FOR THE
BEDROOM. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF BUCK WAS BARKING LIKE MAD OUT THERE. AT
LEST THERE WAS NO MORE JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE.
THEN JOHNNIE HEARD SOMETHING AT THE BACK DOOR TRYING TO GET IN.
SHE QUICKLY LOADED THE SHOTGUN AGAIN AND STOOD AT THE KITCHEN DOOR
WITH THE SHOTGUN POINTED AT THE BACK DOOR. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF BUCK WAS
STILL GOING CRAZY OUT THERE. THEN THE BACK DOOR SLOWLY OPENED AND
" THERE I STOOD WITH A SHOT GUN BLAST THROUGH THE SEAT OF MY LONG
JOHNS, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING JOHNNIE YOU BOUT LAID ME OUT GOOD WOMAN!
IF THIS LONG UNDERWEAR HADN'T BEEN THREE SIZES TOO BIG I'D BE A DEAD
MAN LAYING OUT THERE WITH OLD MAN SNYDER'S COW! NOW HOW YOU GOING TO
EXPLAIN THAT DEAD ALBINO COW WITH BELLS AROUND HIS NECK AND A SHOT
GUN BLAST UP HIS BACKSIDE?"
"LOREN WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE AGAIN I THOUGHT YOU CAME BACK
IN AWHILE AGO AND WENT BACK TO BED. LOREN IS THAT BLOOD RUNNING DOWN
YOUR BACKSIDE? GET IN HERE LOREN LETS HAVE A LOOK AT YOU. LAY DOWN
ON THE BED HERE QUICK LET ME HAVE A LOOK SEE!"
ABOUT THAT TIME THERE CAME A KNOCK AT THE FRONT DOOR. BUCK COULD
BE HEARD ROUNDING THE CORNER OUTSIDE THE HOUSE, "WOOF, WOOF."
"WHO CAN THAT BE THIS TIME OF NIGHT, CAN YOU HOLD ON LOREN LET ME
GO CHECK OUT THE DOOR, I'M BE RIGHT BACK DON'T MOVE!"
JOHNNIE HOLLERED THROUGH THE DOOR, "WHO'S THERE, WHO IS IT?"
"IT'S ME JOHNNIE, SHERIFF JOE"
JOHNNIE OPENED THE DOOR AND OLD JOE LOOKED LIKE HE JUST SAW A
GHOST.
"HELP ME JOHNNIE, HELP ME!"
JOHNNIE STEPPED ASIDE AND LET JOE INTO THE HOUSE. "JOE WHAT'S
WRONG? HOW CAN I HELP YOU?" "MR. SNYDER CALLED ME AND SAID SOMEONE
WAS STEALING HIS COW. YOU KNOW THAT ALBINO ONE THAT HE PUTS SO MUCH
STOCK IN. HE EVEN HAS BELLS HUNG AROUND ITS NECK." "WELL HE HEARD
SOMEONE DRIVING HIS COW DOWN THE ROAD. HE COULD TELL BY THE SOUNDS
OF THE BELLS GOING JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE."
"ANYWAY WHEN I GOT OUT HERE THE COW WAS BACK IN THE PASTURE
BEHIND YOUR HOUSE." "I WALKED OUT THERE TO MAKE SURE IT WAS MR.
SNYDER'S COW, YOU KNOW THE LIGHT BEING SO DIM." "JUST AS I GOT CLOSE
TO THE COW SOMEONE TOOK A COUPLE OF SHOTS AT ME WITH A SHOTGUN."
"THEY MISSED ME BUT THEY KILLED OLD MAN SNYDER'S COW."
"JOHNNIE I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY GUN ON. SOME SHERIFF I AM." "YOU
GOT A GUN OF SOME KIND I CAN BORROW?" BUCK HAD FOLLOWED THE SHERIFF
INTO THE HOUSE AND HAD GONE INTO THE BEDROOM WHERE LOREN WAS. WOOF,
WOOF, WOOF WENT BUCK. JOHNNIE AND THE SHERIFF RAN INTO THE BEDROOM.
LOREN HAD PASSED OUT ON THE BED. SHERIFF JOE SAW THE BLOOD ON
LOREN'S BACK SIDE AND ASKED JOHNNIE WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO HIM.
"I DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW SHERIFF, ITS BEEN A STRANGE NIGHT AROUND
HERE!"
I SAT UP STRAIGHT ON THE BED. "JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE
ALL THE WAY!" I BEGIN TO SING AND BUCK STARTED HOWLING!
"OH WHAT FUN, IT IS TO FOOL JOHNNIE ON CHRISTMAS EVE," THE
SHERIFF SANG!
WE PULLED ONE OVER ON YOU JOHNNIE. BUT WE THOUGHT YOU NEVER WOULD
WAKE UP LONG ENOUGH TO HEAR THEM STUPID BELLS THE SHERIFF WAS
RINGING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.
"
I FOUND HIM OUT THERE WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR THEM
MYSELF. WONDER WE ALL DIDN'T GET SHOT. MERRY CHRISTMAS JOHNNIE," I
SAID.
"YOU TWO OLD FOOLS GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM. I'M GOING BACK TO BED!
"
ME AND JOE WALKED BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. BUCK FOLLOWED US. I MADE
A POT OF COFFEE AND JOE GAVE BUCK A MILK BONE TREAT OUT OF THE BOWL
ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR. BUCK LAY DOWN ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF
THE REFRIGERATOR TO CHEW ON HIS BONE. ME AND JOE SAT DOWN AT THE
TABLE WITH A HOT MUG OF COFFEE TO TALK ABOUT THE JOKE WE HAD PULLED
ON JOHNNIE.
"JOE WHERE IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET THAT WHITE MULE AND OLD
WAGON?" I ASKED. "WHAT MULE?" JOE WANTED TO KNOW. "THE ONE YOU SENT
DOWN THE ROAD IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE." "YOU KNOW THE ONE WITH ALL THE
BELLS ON IT." I SAID. JOE SAT THERE WITH A BLANK LOOK ON HIS FACE.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT." "COME ON JOE THE JOKE IS
OVER. TELL ME ABOUT THE WHITE MULE AND THE TENNESSEE TROTTING
HORSE."
"MAYBE YOU BETTER TELL ME." JOE SAID WITH A STRANGE LOOK ON HIS
FACE. "JOE ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
MULE AND HORSE." "I GUESS YOU’
RE GOING TO TELL ME YOU
HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OLD MAN IN THE RED SUIT EITHER." NOW JOE
WAS GETTING UPSET. HE TOLD ME TO STOP KIDDING AROUND. NOW BOTH JOE
AND I WERE GETTING UPSET.
JUST THEN THERE WAS A BIG BANG AND CRASH ON THE ROOF OF THE HOUSE
AND THEY HEARD JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE. BUCK CREPT OVER UNDER THE
TABLE WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND LAID DOWN ON MY FEET. JOE
LOOKED OVER ON THE FLOOR WHERE HE HAD THROWN DOWN THE BELLS HE HAD
USED AND THEY WERE STILL THERE. JOHNNIE CAME CHARGING OUT OF THE
BEDROOM SAYING, "WHAT ARE YOU TWO OLD COOTS DOING NOW."
SHE STOPPED SHORT WHEN SHE SAW THEM SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH
SCARED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. JINGLE, JINGLE, JINGLE WENT THOSE BELLS
AGAIN. THERE WAS MORE CRASHING ON THE ROOF. THEN THEY HEARD A VOICE
LAUGHING, "HO, HO, HO."
ALL THREE OF THEM RAN OUT INTO THE BACK YARD AND LOOKED UP ON THE
ROOF. BUT THERE WAS NOTHING THERE. THEY LOOKED AT EACH OTHER BUT NO
ONE SAID A WORD. THEY WENT BACK INTO THE HOUSE AND THERE WAS BUCK
STANDING NEXT TO THE TABLE WITH A BIG JUICY HAM BONE IN HIS MOUTH.
ON THE TABLE WAS A PILE OF GAILY WRAPPED PACKAGES. EACH PACKAGE HAD
A NAME TAG ON IT. THERE WERE SEVERAL FOR EACH OF THEM.
NOW I'M 72 YEARS OLD AND I STOPPED BELIEVING IN SANTA A LONG TIME
AGO BUT …
..
THE END
BY LOREN MOORE
2004