DINOSAUR  

I'M A DINOSAUR. I ADMIT IT. I MAKE NO BONES ABOUT IT. BUT I HAVE A FRIEND NAMED TOM THAT'S DRAGGING ME FROM THE DARK AGES INTO THE SUNLIGHT OF 1999. I'M KICKING AND SCREAMING ALL THE WAY BUT WITH TOM'S PERSEVERANCE I'M GETTING THERE.

I STILL HAD A ROTARY DIAL TELEPHONE UNTIL RECENTLY. TOM VERY GENTLY SUGGESTED I CHECK WITH THE TELEPHONE COMPANY TO SEE HOW MUCH IT WOULD COST TO SWAP TO PUSH BUTTON SERVICE. WELL THREE OR FOUR DAYS LATER I'M TRYING TO CALL MY DOCTOR FOR AN APPOINTMENT AND AFTER HIS TELEPHONE TELLS ME TO PUSH 1 FOR THIS AND PUSH 2 FOR THAT AND PUSH 3 FOR SOMETHING ELSE I GIVE UP. I NEVER DO GET TO TALK TO A LIVE PERSON AND I DON'T GET AN APPOINTMENT.  BUT THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.

I THINK TOM'S RIGHT MAYBE I SHOULD JUST BITE THE BULLET AND PAY THE EXTRA MONEY FOR TOUCH TONE SERVICE. I'M THINKING IT WILL PROBABLY BE $10 OR $12 A MONTH MORE THAN I'M PAYING NOW BUT AT LEAST I CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR. SO I CALL THE PHONE COMPANY. WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, THE FIRST THING I HEAR IS PUSH 1 FOR THIS AND PUSH 2 FOR THAT AND PUSH 3 FOR SOMETHING ELSE. BUT AT THE END OF ALL THAT WHEN THEY RAN OUT OF BUTTONS TO PUSH THIS RECORDED VOICE SAYS IF YOU CAN'T PUSH ANY BUTTONS WAIT AND A SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE WILL SPEAK TO YOU. "HALLELUJAH" MAYBE THERE'S A LIVE PERSON THERE AFTER ALL. AFTER WAITING 16 MINUTES I'M ABOUT TO GIVE UP AND HANG UP WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I HEAR THIS VOICE SAYING CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M SO WRAPPED UP IN THE LOUD MUSIC AND THIS VOICE SAYING EVERY 15 SECONDS, DO NOT HANG UP YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US. THE NEXT SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE THAT'S FREE WILL ANSWER YOUR CALL. I WONDER FREE FROM WHAT. A TRIP TO THE BATHROOM, HER COFFEE BREAK, OR MAYBE FROM THE GAME OF SOLITARY HE'S PLAYING ON HIS COMPUTER. ANYWAY WHEN THIS VOICE SAYS CAN I HELP YOU ALL I CAN THINK OF TO SAY IS, ARE YOU A MACHINE OR A REAL PERSON? THE VOICE ASSURES ME THAT SHE IS A REAL PERSON. BY THIS TIME I'VE COLLECTED MY WITS AND REMEMBER WHY I'M CALLING. I EXPLAINED TO HER MY PROBLEM AND TOLD HER WHY I HAD CALLED.

HOW MUCH WILL IT COST ME TO CHANGE MY SERVICE FROM ROTARY TO TOUCH TONE, I ASK. SHE SAID WAIT A MINUTE AND LET HER PULL UP MY ACCOUNT ON HER COMPUTER. SHE SAID, OH THERE YOU ARE MR. MOORE. YES MA'AM I KNOW WHERE I AM, I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH IT WILL COST ME. NO, SHE SAID, I MEAN THERE YOU ARE IN MY COMPUTER. TO CHANGE YOUR SERVICE FROM PHASE TO TONE WILL COST YOU 18¢ A MONTH MORE THEN YOU ARE PAYING NOW WITH A ONE TIME CHARGE OF $19 TO CHANGE YOU OVER.

18¢ A MONTH! NOW I'M NOT USUALLY TO EMOTIONAL BUT THINKING ABOUT ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING I'VE GONE THROUGH BECAUSE I COULDN'T PUSH 1, 2, AND 3 1 BROKE DOWN COMPLETELY AND STARTED CRYING. THE SERVICE REP MISUNDERSTOOD ME COMPLETELY. SHE TOLD ME TO HOLD ON FOR A MINUTE AND LET HER SPEAK TO HER SUPERVISOR. WHEN SHE CAME BACK ON LINE SHE TOLD ME HER SUPERVISOR HAD AUTHORIZED HER TO DROP THE ONE TIME $19 CHARGE. ALL IT WOULD COST WOULD BE 18¢ A MONTH. I MANAGED TO GET OUT A THANK YOU BETWEEN SOBS AND HUNG UP.

      WELL I GOT MY NEW PUSH BUTTON PHONE, SO I CAN PUSH 1, 2, AND 3.

THE FIRST CALL WAS TO MY FRIEND TOM, HAD TO LET HIM KNOW, I'M MODERN NOW. WE TALKED A WHILE AND I TOLD HIM, I HAVE TO GO. I GOTTA GO TO THE BANK. HE STARTED ON ME AGAIN WITH.........BUT THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.

GOT TO GO, SEE YA LATER