How To Install Software,
a 12-Step Program
1.)
Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box
that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your
computer.
2.) Open
the software packaging and remove the manual. This will
contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.
3.) Find the actual software, which
should be in the form of either a
3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope
that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter
agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following
agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and
the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent
Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real
and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and
appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine
the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel
like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation
indivisible by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers
weepers.
4.) Hand the software to a child
aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my
computer."
5.) If you have no child age 3
through 12, insert the software in the
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6.) Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7.) Once
again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8.) You will hear grinding and
whirring noises for a while, after which
the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would
be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one,
and be honest:
9.) After you make your selection,
you will hear grinding and whirring
for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what
in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular
structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At
the very least, the installation program will create many new
directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe",
"fester.dat" and "doo.wha."
10.) When the installation program
is finished, your screen should
display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS !
The installation
program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has
grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
If you
experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of
breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately
*!@!$)$%@&*)$*!#$_$*&
11.) At this point your computer
system should become less functional than the federal government,
refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12.) Call the toll-free Tech Support
Hotline # listed on the package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a
clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
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