How to Train Your Human
by
Charlie Westerfer
 

When you first acquire your human, it is a big help if you are a cute little puppy. Humans love little puppies, and are forgiving of them if they make mistakes.

Not that you can't still train them once you reach doghood, but it takes longer. They  expect more from an adult than a puppy. Humans train easier if you give them lots of big ole sloppy wet kisses to reward them when they get it right.

When I arrived at my forever home, I was a cutie, weighing in at two pounds and eight weeks old. Brown and white spotted like a Pinto pony, plus giving lots of kisses made me an attractive package.

Now, once you have gotten this far, the  next step is in basic training.

 First you have to learn to bark when you want them to do something for you. Remember, while barking, wag the tail and look happy. If you have no tail, wag the butt. If you want to go out, run to the door and look back to see if the human understands you want out. If he/she does not follow you, return to them and then run to the door. They will soon catch on unless they are dumber than rocks.

If you are on the sofa and want down, you must yip as loud as possible until some one comes to help you down. Don't jump down, you may hurt yourself and if your human has to take you to the doggie doctor, they may get mad.  Wait for a helping hand. Look happy and run in circles when placed on the floor. Give big kisses.

 Some nights your bladder won't make it thu the night. Here's what to do. Gently lick your human on the cheek or forehead. Give little kisses.

Do not bark as humans get irritated when awaked from a deep sleep with barking. If the kisses do not work, scratch ever so slightly
on the covers until they awaken.

 The best way to get fed from the table is to sit beside the person that feeds you and look pitiful. You may bark softly once just to let them know you are there, cock your little head to the side and look as happy and expectant as possible. If this doesn't work, then you may nag a little more with another bark and sitting up on your rear. This usually gets you a reward.

 When you want a lap to sit on, try whining, laying on your back and looking cute. Remember it takes a lot of patience to train humans.

Some of them do not catch on right away and you must repeat things over and over. Don't give up, they will eventually learn to
recognize what you want by the sound of your voice. They do not understand doggie lingo but rather the inflection you put on barks, yips, yelps and whining.

Keep at it until you have them under your paw and performing on command.
 
Hope this is helpful to someone out there