NORTHERNERS & SOUTHERNERS


 

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH -----------

In the South: If you run your car in a ditch, don't panic. Four guys in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay outa their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... don't buy no food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all kinds of bacon grease. You will be told later, how to use it.

Don't be worried 'bout not understanding what peoples a saying.
They cain't understand you neither.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or big'ol" boy.

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of-ems  in denial 'bout it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed a killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, look at this here," you best stay out ta way. These are likely to be the last words he's ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shot guns they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught 'em how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


AND REMEMBER:


If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat ! had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Have a good day! Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

Are you a TRUE southerner???  If not, send this to one who is!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, but "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"over yonder", or "down yonder"

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in:
"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" ain't no request for the white granular sweet stuff that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "bye and bye" is.  They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble, is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large dish of banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" an' "a right fer piece."  They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, an' po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all".

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,  grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are ain't no breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself a lookin' ", you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk"  means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

SOUTHERNESS - Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in: "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway."

Or: "Bless her heart, she's so blind, she couldn't see the moon shine."

There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's a mazin' that even though she had that baby 7 months after they wuz married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds."

As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad. I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was a telling 'bout her new Northern friend who was upset on account a her toddler is just beginnin' to talk and he's got a Southern accent. 

My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cain't do nuthin' 'bout -tem thighs of hers,  was justifiably miffed about this.

After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?", she said to her friend.  "A child of mine is going to be taaaallllkk! in' liiiike thiiiissss"

Now, don't get me wrong,  some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their pea pickin' hearts.  I welcome their perspective,  their friendships and their recipes for shor-nuf Northern Italian food.  I've even got past their endless complaints that you cain't find no good bread down here.  And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech.  We've already lost too much! I was raised to swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, 

I swanee you don't. An' I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much"; "right close" or "right good" because
non-natives think this is right funny indeed. 

I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I gota  "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light.  She also gets a giggle every time I am a "fixin" to do sompten. And, bless their hearts, they don't know where "over yonder" is, or what, "I reckon" means.

My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't help bein' ugly, but she could'a stayed home."

To those of you thats still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:  take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the mawnin'.  Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they'r a fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here fer quite a long while, y'all need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that sezs "I ain't from the South but I got here, fast as I could."

Bless y'all's hearts, y'all have a blessed day, ya heah !!! ?