Ten burly bikies walked into a pub,
Where there was a lone drinker, and this is the rub;
They ordered their drinks, and told him to shout,
But he told them to "BUG Off", as he headed out.

So they belted him up, before he reached the door,
And remarked to the barman that his fighting was poor;
"And his driving is poor", the barman replied,
"He's just run over 10 Harleys sitting outside".

Sadly, the Irishman's old dog had died,
And the poor old fellow just cried and cried;
"Would you bury me dog?" he asked his best mate,
"For the poor old feller has met his fate."

His mate grabbed a spade and went into the yard,
And he dug for ages, the ground was so hard;
When the old fellow went, the progress to see,
 His best mate had dug, not one hole, but three.

"And why did you dig three holes me old son?'
"Sure you only needed to dig just one";
And his mate replied, in a voice rather gruff,
"Cause the first two holes weren't deep enough".

What is that swinging through the trees?
Why it's a monkey.
Bravely swinging up so high,
It's a spunky monkey,
Admired and adored by all the girls,
It's a hunky spunky monkey,
Feeding on drugged fruit, berries and leaves,
 It's a junky, hunky, spunky monkey,
With fur all matted from the sap from the trees,
It's a gunky, junky, hunky, spunky monkey.

My wife loves turtle doves,
She likes them on the wing;
She feeds them every day,
So she can hear them sing.

The girl across the road, 
Thinks they are uncouth;
They sit upon her ridge caps, 
And do their business on her roof.

Marriage is a wondrous thing,
It makes two people one;
It means you don't have to look very far,
When you want a little fun.

Marriage is a busy time,
You work so very hard;
From slaving in the kitchen, 
To raking up the yard.

Marriage is a serious thing,
A commitment made for life;
It means that you have told the world,
That you love her best...'The Wife'.

There was once a Russian woman
Rough and ugly as they came;
Who used to walk round naked,
For she had no sense of shame.

She was so very ugly,
She would stand out in the road;
And the children would all stone her, 
For they thought she was a toad.

She didn't have much money, 
For she didn't need a lot;
And she used to frighten ghosts,
For the little bit she got.

She used to chase the children,
And it really was a shame;
For they knew not what to call her,
Fresia Wotsisoff was her name.
 

BY THE OLD TIMER