TOE NAIL CLIPPER

 

 

 

 

 

SOME OF YOU MIGHT SAY THAT CLIPPING ONES TOENAILS IS NOT A GOOD TOPIC FOR A STORY AND I AGREE WITH YOU.  WHILE I'M NOT ONE TO HUMILIATE MYSELF BY A DISCOURSE ON PERSONAL HYGIENE, I'VE GOT TO TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS AND IT MIGHT AS WELL BE YOU.

 

WHEN YOU GET SO OLD AND DECREPIT AND STIFF JOINTED THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER BEND OVER ENOUGH TO CLIP YOUR TOENAILS, YOU HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP.  WELL THAT'S THE STAGE OF LIFE I FIND MYSELF IN NOW.  SO I'VE HAD TO ASK MY WIFE, JOHNNIE, TO CLIP MY TOE NAILS.

 

IT WAS HARD TO DO.  ALMOST AS HARD AS GIVING UP DRIVING.  WELL MAYBE NOT QUITE THAT HARD, BUT IT SURE WASN'T EASY.  I HAVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH HER JUST LIKE I WOULD A FOOT DOCTOR.  SO THE OTHER EVENING I ASKED HER IF I COULD MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE NEXT MORNING TO GET MY TOENAILS CLIPPED.

 

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?

 

"LET ME CHECK MY CALENDAR TO SEE IF I CAN DO IT IN THE MORNING." 

 

BOY, THAT'S SOMETHING WHEN YOU HAVE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH YOUR OWN WIFE TO HAVE YOUR TOENAILS CLIPPED.

 

 

ANYWAY SHE SAID SHE COULD CLIP MY TOENAILS FIRST THING AFTER BREAKFAST.  SO THE NEXT MORNING RIGHT AFTER BREAKFAST WE GO INTO THE BEDROOM AND SHE HAS ME TAKE OFF MY SHOES AND SOCKS.  NEXT SHE HAS ME LIE DOWN ON THE BED AND SHE SAYS,

 

"NOW STAY THERE, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

 

IN A MINUTE SHE COMES BACK AND SITS DOWN ON THE FOOT OF THE BED.  I CAN SEE SHE HAS PULLED A CHAIR UP CLOSE AND HAS A PILE OF THINGS ON IT.

 

"WHAT IS ALL THAT?" I ASKED. 

 

SHE DOESN'T ANSWER ME, SHE JUST REACHES OVER AND GRABS ONE OF MY FEET AND PULLS IT INTO HER LAP.

 

"OUCH, I'M TIED TO THAT FOOT YOU KNOW."

 

"OH DON'T BE SUCH A BABY," SHE SAYS.

 

NOW I CAN'T SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING BECAUSE SHE HAS HER BACK TO ME.  BUT I CAN FEEL HER STARTING TO CLIP MY TOENAILS.  SHE'S GOT A DEATH GRIP ON MY FOOT SO I WON'T JERK IT OUT OF HER HAND.  HER LONG FINGERNAILS ARE DIGGING INTO MY FOOT LIKE A CATS CLAWS.  WHEN I COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS SHE SAYS,

 

"WELL HOLD STILL THEN."

 

AFTER SHE CLIPS MY NAILS, SHE STARTS DIGGING UNDER MY TOENAILS WITH THE POINTED END OF A NAIL FILE.

 

"OWWW" I HOLLER, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

 

"HOLD STILL, I'M JUST DIGGING ALL THE GUNK OUT FROM UNDER YOUR TOE NAILS."

 

"WELL YOUR DIGGING TO DEEP, STOP IT."

 

I TRY TO PULL MY FOOT AWAY, BUT THOSE CAT CLAWS HAVE ME CAUGHT.

 

AFTER DIGGING UNDER EACH TOENAIL SHE FINALLY STOPS.  BY THIS TIME MY BREATHING IS COMING IN SHORT GASPS AND MY BLOOD PRESSURE HAS GONE UP BY 50 POINTS.  I TRY TO TAKE MY FOOT OUT OF HER LAP, BUT SHE SAYS JUST A MINUTE AND GRABS IT AGAIN.

 

THEN I FEEL A BURNING BETWEEN MY TOES. 

 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME NOW?" I ASKED BETWEEN SOBS.

 

"I'M JUST PUTTING SOME HYDROGEN PEROXIDE ON THESE CRACKS IN YOUR SKIN BETWEEN YOUR TOES."

 

AFTER THE BURNING SUBSIDED A LITTLE SHE PUT SOME KIND OF SMELLY LOTION ON MY FOOT AND SAID,

 

"OK I'M THROUGH WITH THIS FOOT, NOW GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE."

 

DID SHE THINK I WAS CRAZY.  I JUMPED UP OFF THE BED AND RAN OUT OF THE BEDROOM.  AS I WENT OUT THE DOOR I HEARD HER SAY,

 

"COME BACK HERE, YOU SISSY.  DON'T YOU WANT THE NAILS ON YOUR OTHER FOOT CLIPPED?"

 

"NOT RIGHT NOW" I SAID, AS I RAN FOR THE BACK DOOR. 

 

YOU KNOW THAT IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN OUTSIDE, BARE FOOTED IN 55 YEARS.  IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

 

WHAT ABOUT THE NAILS ON MY OTHER FOOT YOU ASK, WELL THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY FOR A DIFFERENT TIME.