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Take all American women who are within five years of
menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,
grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and
canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of
Iraq, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone,
even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans
tremble.
We've had our children; we would gladly suffer or
die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands,
if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the
prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as
being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet, the protein diet,
the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America
and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile desert of
Iraq with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or
lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding Saddam in some
cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Iraq in a
new government?
Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for
in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we
understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know
every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and
money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it
...with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women.
Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their
godforsaken desert.
I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should,
too!
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